20 Apr Accepting My Fate

ACCEPTING MY FATE (of failing health and the end stage of life, so that I can achieve calm and peace, and reduce fear and anxiety).

Written by GS (Feb. 2023)  

SATISFIED – Be satisfied with what I’ve accomplished and the good things in life. Express gratitude.

POSITIVE – Train the mind to look for the positives. What small pleasures to be grateful for? Squeeze joy out of the moment. See opportunities. Celebrate life. Find fun activities. Challenges in life managed in a positive way show our inner strength. Say positive affirmations to be strong. TRANS-MUTATE negatives to positives, like my poor health gives me time to bond with family. Remind myself that I was lucky to have many intimate relationships in my life; being single now gives me time to reflect on my identity and to learn to stand alone. “Be in the moment; be more curious, than afraid, whether pain or pleasure.” Being positive is about perspective. If I’m positive and upbeat, it’ll help my mood.

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY – Use a leap of faith to believe that I’ll see my ancestors in the afterlife. Trust in the inherent goodness and benevolence of the universe. Feel God’s presence here and in the afterlife. Pray, meditate, breath, and remember to relax all the tension in my body.

LET IT GO – Accept fate. Acknowledge my feeling and sufferings, then let them go. Don’t cling and attach. “People and situations are unpredictable.” Don’t have agendas and expectations for others. Do my best to survive, as all creatures must do each day. Acknowledge the stages of grief: frustration, anger, shock, guilt, and isolation, but hold them more loosely. Yes, sadness comes with life, but we’re sad when someone dies because we love each other. Feel and share my feelings. “Remember we never tie up all the loose ends. Things come together, and they fall apart…Don’t fan the embers of discomfort with thoughts.” Don’t overthink my passing, just try to frequently forget about it. We’re all going to die, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Don’t take myself so seriously. Just float in the water; stop thrashing and kicking.

SEPARATION – The separation from my sons and life is going to happen, and there’s nothing that I can do about it. There’s no cure for the fact of life that we all die; it’s the nature of things. Separation is not my job. Just keep loving my sons. They will manage their challenges in life, and they will deal with my passing to have peace with it. They’re good young men. I’ve been as good a father as I can be, and they have my example and our memories to guide them. I tried to be a blessing in their lives and to inspire them. They’ll give the world what I gave them. They’re on the journeys they’re supposed to be on. Let them live their lives fully. Don’t pull them down with my worries about death. They’ll figure out how to best to grieve for themselves. 

GRADUAL DECLINE – Value the time left that I have. Use this time to say goodbye and to work towards acceptance. Let my sons know that I love and accept them. Live in gratitude for those things that feel good and will give me peace and calm. This gradual decline gives me time for reflection, to prepare spiritually, and to share love.

SMALL STEPS – Take life one small step at a time. Seek small pleasures. Seek joy in the moment. Seek pleasure in the ordinary.

BE GENTLE WITH MYSELF – Feel who I am, not how others want me to be. Go easy on myself. I’ve been as good a father and person as I could and can be. Simplify my life. Do less. Expect less of myself. Recognize my self-worth. We all make poor decisions at times.

SUPPORT – My family supports me. I’m not alone. Find others who support me. Share love with others. Seek interconnectedness and kinship. Help and care for others in the small ways that I’m able. Share grief with family and friends.

DUALISM – The aging journey is up and down; has suffering and joy; is bitter and sweet; hard and beautiful; light and shadow, and self-centered and compassionate.

TAKE CHARGE – I’m an adult. Pass with dignity and grace. I can’t control how others react and feel about my decisions. Everyone has a right to their own path.

GROUNDLESSNESS – The universe is good and benevolent, Remember the Buddhists believe that underneath our human structures, there is groundlessness (no solid ground; impermanence, and uncertainty.) “Everything is always changing, shifting and ambiguous.” We simply don’t know how much longer we’ll live. Be aware of the Buddhist concepts of “no-self, and inter-being with all beings.” Remember the Buddhist mantra that “all is well, all is as it should be, and nothing is lacking.”

SHORT SUMMARY OF MAIN IDEAS

• Let go. Don’t cling, thrash and kick.
• Be satisfied with my life.
• Seek the positive.
• Take small steps.
• Be gentle with myself.
• Engage in my spiritual journey.
• Believe that my sons will manage the challenges in life.

(These ideas have been compiled from the thoughts of my sons, my Bayada Hospice team, my therapist and my own reflections and readings about Eastern concepts. I’m grateful for the comfort they’ve brought me.)

GS began receiving BAH volunteer support in March 2023