31 May Ask Alice June 2022

ASK ALICE

This Month’s Topic: Home Funerals

Dear Alice,

I have an aunt who is, sadly, nearing the end of her lifetime journey.  She has planned her own green burial with a biodegradable box in a local hybrid cemetery, and she has asked her children and me to be with her in her home at the end.  This all seems reasonable, and is consistent with what we expected.

Additionally, however, my aunt has requested that we keep her body in her home for a day or two after her death; that we invite people to her home to sit with her and say their goodbyes there; and that we do as much as we can to prepare her body for burial on our own. 

This request took me by surprise, and I’m not even sure this would be legal.  Is this what people mean by a “Home Funeral”?  Isn’t the involvement of a professional funeral director required by law?  Isn’t it dangerous or unhealthy to have a dead body staying in the home?  What do you think about this?

               Thanks,  A Little Scared by Home Funerals

Dear A Little Scared,

Your question is a helpful one, as it reflects assumptions and fears that many of us have about bodies after death. 

According to Lee Webster, our regional expert on home funerals (and many other related matters), the main thing to keep in mind is that there are options with respect to handling and preparing the body for burial, and no one should be rushed or intimidated when choosing among these options. There is no law requiring that preparation be done by a Funeral Home or other professional.  And there is no tremendous hurry to get the body out of the house; embalming is not a legal requirement, and there should be no fear that the body will spread bacteria or disease in most cases.  The body will need to be kept cool, but this is not an insurmountable task, especially if you have help and time to prepare. 

The term “home funeral” is a loose one that can encompass various scenarios, but it sounds like the process your aunt envisions would fit within this framework.  Many families pursue a “blended” approach, allowing loved ones to take on those roles they feel comfortable with, but depending on the professionals from the Funeral Home to take care of those roles the family and friends don’t want.  For example, family members may want to clean, dress, and cool the body themselves, and to keep the body in the home to be attended to and visited by loved ones as they wish.  They may not want to deal with the paperwork, however, or with the actual transport of the body to the grave.

I think your aunt’s wishes are clear, legal, and reasonable, and that it is quite an honor that she has chosen you to participate along with her children. 

Since you have time, you may want to sit down with your cousins and have a planning conference.  Develop an action plan and determine what the family will do and what, if anything, you would rather have the Funeral Home do.  Find a Funeral Home willing to do those things (many are used to blended funerals and willing to be flexible), and make arrangements.  You may also want to consider calling volunteers in the community with home funeral experience who may be able to assist. We at Taking Steps will be working on a creating a master list of these volunteers for future reference, so give us a call.  Clergy may also be helpful in this regard.   

I hope this helps.  Honoring a loved one’s choice for the disposition of their bodily remains is yet another way we can honor the loved one, and you are fortunate that your aunt took the time and made the effort to make her choice so clear.

Best wishes,   Alice    

Please contact Ruth Nangeroni, Taking Steps Brattleboro Coordinator, 802-257-0775, ext. 101, or ruth.nangeroni@brattleborohospice.org, for information about Advance Care Planning.

Till next month, folks.  Please send your questions to Alice via info@brattleborohospice.org.