29 Jul Colorful Grief

By Lars Hunter
Bereavement Program Coordinator

As I drive through the backroads of Vermont I’m overwhelmed with the color nature provides us this time of year. The lush green trees covering the mountains and long open meadows, and the wildflowers as they brightly blaze on the roadside in their full spectrums of light. And the sky…oh, the sky, the endless deep blue with a wisp of a cloud sliding by. The night breezes that waft through open windows and the speckled night sky with stars that seem to wink at us. The birdsong this year has been especially joyous and full of language that I don’t understand, but I listen. In these brief months of summertime here in the Northeast we soak in the life and beauty that is put before us for our enjoyment.

So why is everyone so cranky, depressed, and sometimes downright nasty? We know the answer: The coronavirus, and the racial and national tensions in our country, have swept away some of our ability to see the beauty before us. And why wouldn’t it? We are isolated, kept from enjoying some of our summer activities and traditions, we need to wear masks over our faces when we go out, and the rhythm of life has changed. The beauty of summer is not in line with the grief and loneliness that abounds in our homes, neighborhoods, and beyond. It is easy to feel depressed and sad under the current circumstances, but the beautiful days may make us feel guilty for not enjoying them.

There are many losses that have come with the virus: loss of jobs, education for children, family gatherings, and the ability to travel. These losses all bring on deep grief and if we are grieving the loss of a loved one, it only compounds the agonizing feelings of hopelessness and sadness. Pandemics, political strife, and death don’t know or care if the sun is shining or the flowers are blooming. People still continue to die this time of year and not just from coronavirus. Grief is still prevalent and even amplified under these circumstances.

The guilt of grief on a sunny day is real. As friends and others wish us enjoyment of the beautiful weather, we may be overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. Sunshine and death seem like dichotomies and it may be difficult to wrap our minds around our grief. Bright sun and colorful flowers may not be enough to quench the misery and pain that grief brings.

Self-care is vital to everyone’s physical, mental and spiritual health. You may be working from home or have lost a job, worrying about finances and dealing with other family members being home all the time. It’s hard to find time for yourself when you are surrounded by need. You may also be home alone with plenty of time for intrusive thoughts to breed and carry you to places that are dark and difficult. This is a time in our lives when we may not know what to do, how to behave, or how to grieve.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve: Emotions will come and go at unexpected times, tears will appear when we don’t want them to, and it is okay. Let the pain surface, cry the heartbreak, and remember breath awareness can be helpful. It sounds trite, but breathing exercises do help with anxiety and fear. Just a few deep breaths can do wonders, as can spending just ten minutes outside in the fresh air. A slow walk around the yard or neighborhood can give us a chance to see life from a different perspective. A phone call or time sitting with a friend (6’ apart) can also be healing, and a good ole’ “Sunday Drive” with the windows open can be uplifting!

Please be gentle with yourselves, be mindful of your stress level, and don’t hesitate to reach out for help from BAH. The office is closed but phone calls and emails are still being answered and people are available to talk with. Try to enjoy the sun and brilliant flowers if you can, and if they don’t help this year, it’s okay. Be well, be safe, be healthy.

Warmly, Lars