01 Oct Lessons from the Journey of Grief

Lessons from the Journey of Grief
by Connie Baxter, Bereavement Program Coordinator

I will retire from my position as Bereavement Program Coordinator at Brattleboro Area Hospice in late October 2018.  I’ve had the privilege of serving our community for the past six years, and have found it to be very deep and meaningful work. While I’m sad to leave the people and the work I’ve loved, I look forward to a new phase of my life.  I’ve learned a lot from those who have allowed me to accompany them on their journeys of grief.  As I say good-bye it seems fitting to share with you all what I’ve learned, and what my hopes for you are.

Grief is Hard:  I’ve learned that grief is hard.  There’s no way around it, only through it.  We can try, and many of us do, to take shortcuts or skip the experience altogether, but when grief isn’t acknowledged and honored it is carried in our hearts like a heavy stone.  When facing grief, I think it’s best to lean into it, rather than plunging in, because we need respite from the intensity of the emotions.

Love and Yearning:  To grieve means that we have loved, and to love is, in my opinion, the best part of being human.  Some say that grief is the mirror image of love.  But sometimes grief also contains yearning—yearning for what was never fully realized in a relationship.  Relationships can be complicated, and grief can reflect that image too.

 Special Needs:  When we’re grieving we have special needs, but only we can determine what we must do to address those needs.  Others think they are being helpful with the “you should…” or “why don’t you try…”, but part of our work in grief is to figure out what will help us in our particular situation.

Each Grief is Unique:  Each person’s grief is unique.  As unique individuals we had a relationship that is unlike those that others had with the one who died, so our grief will be our own, just as our relationship with that person was our own.  Also, there is no timetable for grief.  It takes as long as it takes.

Tell Your Story:  It’s important to tell your story of your loved one and the loss.  Telling the story seems to help us process and move through the grief.  A story teller needs at least one listener, if not more.  Part of the work of grief is to find open-hearted people who will simply listen, and not try to “fix” us. 

Remembering:  It seems to be a universal human desire to be remembered after we die.  We honor those we care about by remembering them. Telling the stories helps us to remember, and observing important days with special activities or meaningful rituals also helps.

Don’t Get Discouraged:  Our society often doesn’t know what to do with someone who is grieving.  Please don’t be discouraged when you encounter the awkwardness or misguided advice that comes your way, but do look for positive ways to care for yourself and learn from your experiences. Then you’ll be able to better support others when they’re grieving.

Transformation is Possible: And finally, in spite of the pain of loss, it can transform us in many ways.  Oftentimes to our surprise, that transformation is positive.  Loss can make us more compassionate, can help us realize our strengths, and it can open us to gratitude and hopefulness.

My hopes for each of you are that you find the support you need to grieve; that you learn to live with your losses, knowing that your life will never be the same, but that you will know happiness and wholeness again; and that you will be gentle with yourself as you move through grief.

With heartfelt caring,
Connie

 “I have learned that Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.”  Elizabeth Gilbert